Been a tough day...I think my readership like tripled in like an hour. Some Wesleyans found my blog and of course what have I discussed alot lately....see the issue. I thought about this scenario when I wrote it. Here's why I posted it initially:
1. I feel very firm in my beliefs and my calling to Grace Bible.
2. The truth is so important and stating the truth about how I feel with my friends is very crucial.
3. I am not a very open person and talking on a blog is so much more open for me.
I was not afraid to post my thoughts, nor did I really care that someone may find them. I said some things that were pretty bold, and pretty gutsey. I said some things that struck home at alot of folks . I said somethings I believe led up to my leaving Wesley. I will say one thing....I don't take back anything I said. I merely desire to refine my statements so that maybe some hurt feelings can be mended a bit. I want to say I am not sorry for the way I believe and how I feel and what I said. BUT, I do want to clarify so that people may udnerstand abit.
First off, I want to get one thing out of the way. I am equally hurt. I am hurt that I have to post this because I feel like people should know me better. I feel those who are hurt should know I am not a hateful person and usually what I say is not mean or damaging. I feel like the time I spent and the friendships I had would've hspoken for taht quality about me. Also, when I refer to Wesley, I don't mean everyone. I just don't want to mention alot of names.
I want to first refer to the algebra equation analogy. First off, I said that when you take God out of the equation...it just doesn't work. I didn't mean God doesn't exist at Wesley. There's about eleventy-billion things wrong with that statement. I meant, that alot of ministries and events are not completely God-centered. I am equally guilty of this. I was a part of that. I still sometimes look at numbers. We are human and are flawed in our ways, and this happens everywhere. My intent was not to say Wesley didn't have God...but I felt like sometimes we weren't satisfied until we filled up the entire seating area at worship, or we planned things "just to see how many folks show up". Remember, I admit to being just as guilty of that as I claim Wesley to be.
Secondly, I never once said "my church is better than Wesley". I want to state that Wesley (and the Methodist church for that matter) offers something Grace Bible doesn't as much, and that's alot of networking and connection between people. I don't want to use the word community because that makes me think that the people don't interact much, and they do! However, Todd Wright mentioned that the Methodist church is all connected. I find that very true. No church is better than another. Carl Hanke emailed me and he was so correct in saying that "there only differences in portions of theology". I was a firm believer about 5 months ago that denominations don't matter...but folks, I have learned they really do sometimes. But not for petty reason like I used to hear when I was younger, like age and whatnot. If I have some big theological issues with a ministry, I cannot worship with them. That's why I made my decision to stop worshipping at Wesley. It wasn't out of hate or rage, merely a difference in theology. I am finally reaching apoint in my life where I think I am finding out how I believe. I feel like Grace Bible is conducive to that.
Thirdly, my intent was not to tear Wesley apart. I don't care to do that. Wesley offers so many things to people that they respond to. Look, Wesley must offer something pretty special if so many people communicated to me today. I am not a mean person, and I don't want to sway people into the way I think. I want to spread the Gospel, but it's up to the person and their relationsihp with Christ about how they respond to it. I don't want anyone to think my goal was to destroy Wesley or have people leave, I just don't operate that way.
Finally, my goal was to never leave completely. I didn't want to continue attending the worship opportunities, but, I wanted to still maintain my friendships. I feel like with people misinterpretting my words, friendships have been damaged. Look folks, the internet can be an awful thing. It has blown so much out of proportion here. I wanted to still be able to drop by and say hello, or come and hang out and be with folks there. Now, the way I feel is that I have to rush past the building when I am walking because I don't want to get in a confrontation. I have had some amazing friendships blossom from the Wesley and I hate to see those disappear.
Some things to think about: Folks have asked me to speak with them abot why I left. I don't want to argue at all. I have, in the past, worried about bringing up honestly about how I felt because an argument would escalate. I don't have to defend my beliefs, and I know you can relate to me on that. Sometimes words get jumbled and it's very nerve-racking. I would be glad to talk to anyone about what happened and why I chose not to come to Wesley, but understand, it may not be what you want to hear. Understand that it could be something you did, and understand I have already forgiven you for it. Also, please take this into consideration, I am plugged into a ministry I am completely and utterly content with. I am so satisfied with where God has placed me. Please know that there are folks that have left Wesley that aren't going anywhere, and even some that hop from place to place. Please focus on them, too!
One last thing, I truly felt called to fully commit to Grace Bible. This has been a process that has happened over a year now. It first started when God told me to start attending the morning service. I was perfectly comfortable at FUMC in Lufkin and loved leading worship with Todd and the band. God told me that He wanted me in Nac...and then opened doors for me to serve there. Crosspoint was the final piece to that commitment.
I hope this helps some of you understand why I have done things the way I did. If you have further questions, you know how to reach me. I am out of town (in Maryland with Todd) as of Thursday, but will have the phone with me. Please don't hesitate to call me. I have been very open with all that have asked since day one and will continue to be. As always, I continue to pray for Wesley.