It's been a while since I've brought the Wesley up. It's been a while because I think I needed some time to gather my thoughts and my feelings on the issue and then respond with exactly what I felt rather than post something that was unplanned and could be misunderstood. I posted something yesterday, and it said what I wanted it to, but I don't think I really got to the heart of the matter.I have seen and heard a lot about Wesley lately. Whether it is seeing events on the website, driving past and reading the marquee, seeing folks on campus (or at camp last week)...the fact is, it got me thinking. Why leave such a hostile situation the way it was? I feel like both sides said their peace, and nothing more had to be said. But that leaves things completely screwed up.
The problem with that is, so many great things came from Wesley in the three years I was there. I've been looking back and thinking about that and have really realized just how many things happened and how many wonderful friendships started there.So, where did my mind go from there? Well, I started thinking back to last April. I thought about what was said, how it was delivered, what I meant to happen, what ACTUALLY happened, what I wanted to accomplish, etc etc. So, let me dive a bit deeper into that.
What was said - A lot of things. Many remarks that were made had a few months to maybe even a semester or two, to build up. Some issues were unresolvable. There are many things about the Methodist church that won't be able to be changed. There are things that make up the Methodist church that just won't be changed - and thats ok. We agree on many key points, most importantly, Christ. Some issues I had might have been resolved by me being a bit more open about my concerns.
How it was delivered - In the most unfortunate manner; a text-only, public, easy-to-access (it was linked from my facebook), blog. Tom Teekell and I had many conversations about e-mail discussions and how they don't work. In fact, just a week or so before I quit, Tom had sent an e-mail that I misinterpretted. In fact, during the issues in April, I even commented about an e-mail Tom had sent that I was furious about. His intent was not to make me feel the way I did, but, just by reading the text without facial expressions, tone of voice, and other various elements...I would have never known that. All I knew was that Tom and I were frustrated and I got the e-mail. Lesson learned there....handle confrontations face-to-face. I need to learn to be a little less passive and I think this situation showed me that.
What I intended to happen - Well, first off, not to say I was hiding anything, but, I never intended anyone to read it (except friends who already knew what I felt about the Wesley). I was very neglegant and left a link on my facebook. The fact is, my intent was never to hurt. Even though it did, it was never meant to. People who know me, know I am a loving person. I have grown up alot in the past years and believe that I am a caring individual who is respectful and considerate. That being said, by mentioning Tom Teekell directly was a mistake. I shouldn't have doen that and I take full responsibility for those actions. Plain and simple. On the other hand, I intended not to hurt other people by being general and saying "the Wesley" rather than naming names. In an effort to not be hurtful, I actually hurt more people. To say "the Wesley", I meant the place, not the people. Though, it goes back to my above mentioned point about text-only confrontations....you'd never have known that is what I meant.
What ACTUALLY happened - We all know that answer...feelings were trampelled on. People were hurt. People were angry. People were very frustrated. As we saw, people responded to the post with just as much hurt as I posted. If someone made comments about Crosspoint, I would be just as hurt. I still have not commented to some folks who e-mailed or messaged me since May. It is hard for me to face what happened. It was very unlike me to do what I did.
What I wanted to accomplish - Many things. I wanted to see a change in the way we led the Wesley. I wanted to see people being honest with how they felt. I know I was not the only one who was frustrated. I felt like in order to make big changes, you have to take big risks. Big risks are tough, but, being content is more risky than anything. I wanted to see the students at Wesley impacted everytime they stepped through the door, and not just coming back on Wednesdays just to pay God face time...I wanted it to be life-changing. Let me stop there....I don't mean to say Wesley wasn't doing that...what I meant was....I wanted to be a part of making that even more apparent. Please don't misinterpret that, because I do feel like people have had life-changing experiences at Wesley. I love to see students responding to the Word and I just wanted more of that. By posting, my intent was to vent some frustrations of things I felt I hadn't accomplished and would fail to do so.
It is impossible for me to go back and physically remove that piece of my life (the posting and folks reading it). The best thing for me to do is to realize that the manner in which I vented was inappropriate. I did not love my neighbor as myself...would I have wanted to be on the receiving end of that post...heck no. Even if it wasn't intended in the way it was, it still was interpretted that way by how it was worded. I wanted to apologize for how I acted last semester. I was very unfair to a lot of people. Though I stand by the things I believe very strongly in, I had no right to be so negative towards others who believe differently. I can have a differnet opinion, but, feelings don't need to be disregarded when I share my opinion. I also wanted to further extend that aplogy to my actions, because admist all the posting and whatnot, a few people that worked with me very closely got hurt even more - Hearts Afire. Carl has done a great job to step up and fill a gap that shouldn't have been as large. The team (Jennifer, Coop, Sierra, Meagan, Christine, Khea, Adam, and any others I am forgetting) had no time to adjust, and that's unfair.
So, if you are still reading at this point...where do we go now? I know where I satnd. I believe we are people who have a bond in Christ. I feel like we are responsible for sharing that with others. I believe that we are called to fellowship with each other, not just by going places, but by having biblical fellowship. Though I may not attend a worship service at Wesley on a regular basis, that doesn't mean I don't want to continue the friendship I started at Wesley. I know that I miss and care for a lot of folks at Wesley. I also know that I don't want to walk past Wesley and think of how bad things were. I want to think about how we can work together to "mend the bridge" that was broken last April. You know how to reach me....I would truly love to hear back from everyone. I hope to hear or see you all here soon!
